Our Abbey

Following the advice “Talk like you have the job.” we talk like we are already comfy in a cell behind a high cloister wall.

Executive Summary

Price 200 troy ounces
Term perpetuity
Benefits comprehensive care

Eternal care (comprehensive care in perpetuity) includes the customary dormitory cell (en suite, with spectacular view), cafeteria (24 hour jazz café), infirmary (Medicare compliant Skilled Nursing Facility), and an awesome, remote location with high speed Internet. 1

Frequently Asked Questions

Here's what we're about, via the Socratic method.

Why a religious institution?

We are savers. We are endowed. We have a positive net worth. That makes us a takeover target. A religious charter is a poison pill that makes us less attractive.

Why a religious institution?

We discriminate. We discriminate between Us and Others, the latter thinking life is a gamble and glory goes to the bold, etc. Us are the Party Poopers for whom gambling is a terror and glory a folly. We believe in Us, would invest in Us, but would shield our investment from the grasping Others.

Why a religious institution?

Why an insurance company? In charge of your health, aka happiness?! We buy health insurance from people we trust, or at least people who live within arm's reach (and that would be rifle range).

Why a religious institution?

A religious organization is, legally speaking, the only type of public entity that is allowed to discriminate, if only on the basis of religion. We say that tongue-in-cheek because, if they don't like your religion, they just say it ain't one.

Why a religious institution?

We must resist, balkanize and dissipate The New World Order which forges The One Ring of Power (one world digital currency) in the hope of finding and destroying anything that does not submit (and in the darkness bind them). We must stand unbowed. We must say “No, thank you!” And that will be enough.

Why a religious institution?

We would promote STEM (Science, Technology, Engineering and Math) even though The New World Order has deemed STEM an evil plot by men to make women feel small. The Order promptly replaced STEM with STEAM (Science, Technology, Engineering, Art and Math) so that no one could feel left out. Like a women's club invaded by angry men demanding that they be included, we could not have been more frightened off.2 Confronted with the choice of Old Order or New Order, we mumble.

Like the Fay We would slip away Beyond the ken of mortal men

Why an enclosed religious order?

If you are not with them, then you are against them. Since we cannot be with them, we must be invisible to them.3

Why an enclosed religious order?

Monasteries in the West blossomed when Christianity was embraced by The Now Holy Roman Empire, or at least The People That Mattered in The Now Holy. The sudden influx of People That Mattered into the early churches drove the devout into the deserts where they eventually found each other and built refuges for their ilk. We follow an ancient custom when we take our Science out of the sight of The Empire when it has adopted Science as its new religion and thus builds a New Science informed by parasites and sycophants.

An isolated, religious community is a cult!

Can we have that in the form of a question?

What are you hiding from?

The whims of a democracy, especially one that thinks with its heart and believes skepticism is rude.

Why so far north?!

Rumor has it that Prince (the artist formerly known as...) once said, when asked why he lived in Minneapolis (not Los Angeles), “The cold keeps the crazies away.” Prince was a genius (and that is no rumor).

Why can't you be happy Amerikans?

We cannot support a state that thinks killing a half million children is acceptable when just looking for Weapons of Mass Destruction. We are, frankly, frightened of a state that Believes, e.g. that Orange Man is an unmitigated Evil that must be combated with extra-constitutional, emergency powers, forever and ever, amen.

Aren't you New World Order “Scientists,” just currently out of favor?

We are fundamentally scientists (no capitalization allowed) and thus Skeptics (capitalization required). We do not Believe in ozone holes nor global warming. We understand there has been some. But we know a political blame game when we see one. And we know it is no justification for a world tax.4

Aren't you The Rich, who profit and flee after exploiting Nature and Man?

We're guessing you are the so-called “Exploited Man” and all you know is someone “ripped you off” somehow. We have a fleet of lawyers if you really want someone to talk to.

Aren't you an insurance company masquerading as a charity?

We will see your allegation and raise you three attorneys. We're an insurance company, a wellness clinic, and a meals-on-wheels yoga retreat. We're a non-profit, not a charity.

You are anarcho-capitalists! ?

Yes if by “anarcho” you mean pacifist and by “capitalists” you mean the sort who want to treat you to a mutually beneficial, voluntary exchange.

You separatists hate unity! ?

Unity is an illusion. You cannot eliminate Conflict by enforcing Unity. Anti-intolerance is still intolerance. (Anti-racism is still racism.) Ironically we find Unity by facing Conflict. Stoics like us know it is OK if they think they are “better” than us; they might even have something to teach us. And we must treat them as we would want to be treated even if we were supercilious thickies obliged to “teach” everyone in sight.

What are you, tribal?

Yeah, tribal geeks from The Nerd Tribe, one of many, celebrating our strangeness alongside our fellow nationalists, the Navajo, the Maya, the Inuit, the Gaels, the Finns, Icelanders, Jews, Maori... all of the aborigines and Balkans past, present and future.

You “Open Source” advocates are commies! ?

Knowledge wants to be free. We have no problem with capitalists that want to invest heavily in Knowledge. We respect their claim to first profits. We do not respect their claim of exclusivity for a century. We give them 18 months.

You cenobites are commies! ?

The Abbey is responsible for the “to each according to his needs” half. The “from each according to his ability” is effected by purchasing a cell, so... yes? That was the whole point, to cradle us into our graves; no one left behind. And if we are doing it right, a cell can be purchased with fewer than 20 years of service in the house.

How can you be capitalists and commies?!

It is all a matter of scale, Child.

But poverty, chastity and obedience?

After 30+ years of marriage, the western monastic tradition, embracing poverty, chastity and obedience, feels homey. And in this Shangri-La, two out of three ain't bad!


A Tibetan Vibe

The Dalai Lama gave the opening prayer for the US Senate on March 6th 2014.

Our thoughts make our world. Our mind is centered, and precedes our deeds. Speak or act with a pure mind, and happiness will follow you, like a shadow that never leaves.

May there be joy in the world, with bountiful harvests, and spiritual rest. May every good fortune come to be, and may all our wishes be fulfilled.

As long as space remains, and as long as sentient beings remain, until then may I too remain and help dispell the misery of the world.

He said this is one of his favorite prayers, one he prays daily.

A Legendary Vibe

James Hilton wrote in 1933 of the mythical lamastery Shangri-La, according to legend one of seven sacred places of refuge for Buddhists during times of strife.

From Chapter 4 of Lost Horizon in which Miss Brinklow of the London Missionary Society asks about the lamastery:

Miss Brinklow would never shirk a conclusion, even a wrong one. “I see. It's really a native monastery, then. Is your head lama a Tibetan or a Chinese?”


“Are there any English?”


“Dear me, that seems very remarkable.” Miss Brinklow paused only for breath before continuing: “And now, tell me, what you all believe in.”

Conway leaned back with somewhat amused expectancy. He had always found pleasure in observing the impact of opposite mentalities; and Miss Brinklow's girl-guide forthrightness applied to lamaistic philosophy promised to be entertaining. On the other hand, he did not wish his host to take fright. “That's rather a big question,” he said, temporizingly.

But Miss Brinklow was in no mood to temporize. The wine, which had made the other more reposeful, seemed to have given her an extra liveliness. “Of course,” she said with a gesture of magnanimity, “I believe in the true religion, but I'm broad-minded enough to admit that other people, foreigners, I mean, are quite often sincere in their views. And naturally in a monastery I wouldn't expect to be agreed with.”

Her concession evoked a formal bow from Chang. “But why not, madam?” he replied in his precise and flavored English. “Must we hold that because one religion is true, the others are bound to be false?”

“Well, of course, that's rather obvious, isn't it?”

Conway again interposed. “Really, I think we had better not argue. But Miss Brinklow shares my own curiosity about the motive of this unique establishment.”

Chang answered rather slowly and in scarcely more than a whisper: “If I were to put it into a very few words, my dear sir, I should say that our prevalent belief is in moderation. We inculcate the virtue of avoiding excess of all kinds — even including, if you will pardon the paradox, excess of virtue itself. In the valley which you have seen, and in which there are several thousand inhabitants living under the control of our order, we have found that the principle makes for a considerable degree of happiness.”

A Humanist Vibe

From What I Believe by Dr. Bertrand Russell

I believe that when I die I shall rot, and nothing of my ego will survive. I am not young and I love life. But I should scorn to shiver with terror at the thought of annihilation. Happiness is nonetheless true happiness because it must come to an end, nor do thought and love lose their value because they are not everlasting. Many a man has borne himself proudly on the scaffold; surely the same pride should teach us to think truly about man's place in the world. Even if the open windows of science at first make us shiver after the cosy indoor warmth of traditional humanizing myths, in the end the fresh air brings vigour, and the great spaces have a splendour of their own.


Dear Reader, if you know of a real abbey like the one described here, we beg you to introduce us. We will pay you real money. If you would like to be in a real abbey like the one we allude to here, let us know. In this millennium a nobleman's charter is not required. A few founding cenobites can endow a minor house such as this.


[1] Matt's Lutheran relatives arranged decades in advance to enter the nearby Lutheran Home, which offered all of the amenities mentioned except perhaps the remote, awesome location. We hope we can do at least the same.

[2] We saw all this happen at the 2019 ComicCon in Phoenix. This is admittedly an artists' convention, but the reaction to the STEM program seemed to highlight our precarious position between vicious combatants locked in culture war. Nothing in the events since suggests to us the fever pitch of battle has slackened indeed, regrettably, the opposite.

[3] A group wishing to give an opening prayer much like the Dalai Lama's (above) for the Phoenix City Council were uninvited when it became clear that they meant to represent the old religions, calling themselves “Satanists.” The “Christians,” sensing an old rival, got out their bag of dirty tricks and made them disappear. Thus we enjoy a separation between Church and State that engenders tolerance and mutual respect (if “enjoy” is what you call it when you smell a dead thing that makes you throw up a little).

[4] Motto: “If you are breathing, you owe us money.” 5

[5] Worse yet is knowing where those taxes will go.